Hospitality Without Hangovers

Start the clock. Hello everybody and thank you. Boy, it's bright and I can't see any of you. Um, in advance, I'm gonna sort of apologize, because I'm gonna talk about life and death in our industry. And when I do it, I think about the countless people that I have lost. So, please forgive me. As she said, my name is Mickey Bakst. I'm the founder of Ben's Friends. Let us start. Sustainability is a mantra that we in this industry use daily. How the animals we eat are fed. How are the vegetables grown? How is the fish caught? We talk about it incessantly. But what we don't talk about is the sustainability of our people. the people who make our restaurants work. And we don't talk about, excuse me, the alcohol and drug abuse that ravishes the profession that we all love. I'm gonna tell you my story. I bought my first restaurant with money I made selling drugs. It's a fact. And it was in that restaurant that I learned two things. Number one, I loved hospitality. And I loved making people feel good. And as Bob Dylan said, number two, I found a shelter from the storm. A place where my addiction was not only accepted, but condoned. Alcohol and the associated behaviosrs with it. Unconditionally were approved. Unconditionally were approved in the world that I lived. I had never aspired to own a restaurant. I was a beach bum who sold drugs. Living in California. Going to a restaurant every night. And becoming friends with the owner. Why am I so nervous? Everybody's done a great job. I became close friends with this guy. For two reasons. We loved two of our dearest friends equally. And they were cocaine and partying. And we did a great job with both. One night he asked me to become the doorman to check IDs. And I said, sure. And it was that night that my life changed. Because I found my true passion. And that was making people happy. Standing in the front of a restaurant. I stood at the door. I laughed. I joked. I kissed. I hugged. And it was magic. True magic to me. The same magic that I felt for the next 48 years. Every night, as a maitre d', I was able to create experiences. Birthdays. Birthdays. Birthdays. Anniversaries. Graduations. And then most importantly, creating magic for people who saved all year for that one fine dining experience. My personal favorite. There was no greater feeling. I hate reading speeches. So forgive me. There was no greater feeling for me. There was no greater feeling for me than when I walked through a room. Felt the air against my cheek. Reached my hand out to welcome a guest. No greater feeling except the ones I got from my alcohol and drugs. And soon, they were more important than anyone or anything. I will leave out the gritty details. I will leave out the gritty details of my next years. Suffice it to say, they became uglier and uglier as alcohol and drugs stole my soul. I stole from my partner. I stole from my employees. I stole from my friends. And eventually, I ended up laying in bed, unable to get out and to even feed myself. Until one day, I was found in a hotel room. And I was rushed to a hospital where I almost died. And I remember after eight or nine days in that hospital, the doctor said to me, we have done everything we can for you. If you drink or drug again, you will die. And ladies and gentlemen, it scared the shit out of me. And then for three weeks. And three weeks later, I woke up in a psychiatric unit in a straight jacket. And that was the beginning of my road to sobriety. When I got sober, the only game in town was AA. And I hated it. I hated it. For a couple of reasons. Number one, I was 30 years old and everybody looked like me. Old white men. It was not a pleasant place to be. Number two, they told me if I wanted to get sober, I needed to get out of the restaurant industry. And I was unwilling to do that. And number three, they told me to stay sober. I had to get on my knees and pray to God. And that is just not my thing. But eventually, I had to make it work. And on December 14th, 1982, I got sober. And AA eventually saved my life. I'm getting warmed up. I have one thing I want to say as a co-founder of Ben's Friends. I love AA. Our co-founder, Steve Palmer, a restaurateur in Charleston, loves AA. It just doesn't work for everybody. It doesn't feel right when you're working nights on a line in that stress, walking into the room where people do not look like you. And do not sound like you. And that's why Ben's Friends was created. We wanted to create a community that welcomed F&B employees and made them feel like they were with their own. Not only do we share the addiction, we share the passion for the industry that we are part of. Steve and I met every Sunday or Saturday and had breakfast. And every week, we talked about another employee who had lost their lives, ruined their career. And every week, we said we didn't know what to do because we were too busy. Finally, Ben Murray happened. Ben was a chef working for Steve, helping him open up a restaurant. Ben was the fun guy in the restaurant. Ben was the fun guy in the room. Kind, gregarious, warm. Nobody would have said Ben was depressed. Nobody would have known he was an addict. He was working on a line with three sober people, and no one knew. And Ben didn't show up to work. And Steve went to the hotel to find Ben dead, with a gunshot wound to his head and bottles surrounded. That day, Ben's Friends was formed. If I may, I want to read the preamble. Ben's Friends is a coalition of sober food and beverage people committed to their sobriety in an industry filled with drugs, alcohol and stress. Each of us is seeking sobriety and a way to deal with our lives and careers in a sane and purposeful fashion. We are here to share together how we do it, and provide those seeking sobriety with the tools and community needed to find it. Our only purpose is to help the struggling addict find freedom from the bondage of their addiction. Steve and I didn't know what to do, so we went to the newspapers. We both have large names in our community. Charleston, South Carolina. We said Steve and Mickey would be at this location on this day. And much to our surprise, 20 F&B people showed up. Showed up to ask for help. All of a sudden, our meeting started attracting people from other cities. Today, there's 26 Ben's Friends in the U.S., and I our hope is to grow around the world. All of a sudden, COVID hit, and we went on Zoom. Today, there are two to three Ben's Friends meetings a day where people from all over the world are starting to show up. Kuala Lumpur the other day, which blew my mind. We talk about how do you stay sober in the industry? How do you care for yourself? How do you get behind the bar? How do you stay on a line on Saturday night and not pick up a drink or drug? The philosophy is simple. It's based on community. We provide the suffering addicts with people who understand. My friends, I can say with all honesty, today there are hundreds upon hundreds of restaurant people who are sober because of Ben's Friends. leading productive lives. Thank you. Thank you. Leading productive lives, healing their families, becoming better employees than they ever were, and helping others now to find sobriety. The industry needs to change. We've talked about building to last. We can't last without our employees. But what can we do to help our employees? Around the U.S., restaurants are creating new programs, run clubs, yoga clubs, the best staff meals at the end of the shift. So the employee doesn't have to go home and drink themselves into oblivion. HR directors are truly starting to get engaged. I talk to them on a regular basis. I used to throw out, I hate to say it, I'm old. I discarded employees who were drunk. Today we encourage people to talk to their employers, to find out what the process is. What the problem is, and to work with them, to work with them to help them heal. Ben's Friends does that. Our industry has a problem. According to studies in the U.S. alone, 17% of the 15.5 million people in our country struggle from alcohol or drug addiction. Why are we as an industry not focusing on alcohol? on those people, and how we can help them to help build our businesses? I'm glad that that thought is changing. But it's not changing quick enough. Each of you in this room has the ability to start thinking differently. To start looking and asking yourself, how can I help my team? Because without our teams, there's no building to last. And if we know that this is one of the biggest problems that industry has, why are we not talking about it? Slowly it's happening. But in my opinion, not quick enough. Ben's Friends wants to be here. I want to thank the entire MAD team for inviting us. But more importantly, I want to ask each and every one of you, reach out. Reach out. Ask yourselves what you can do. Our website is bensfriendshope.com. There's going to be a meeting with me in tent five right after this. Correct, Lisa? Right after this? At the end of the day, five o'clock or so. I'd love to talk to anybody. Here's what I know. Throw this away. I have buried more people. I have watched more of our peers destroy their lives than each of you can imagine. The last text I got when I got onto the plane to come here was so-and-so just died. They found him in a hotel. It happens all the time. You all know it. You all have seen it. You know somebody. All of you. I would wager to say every one of you. So today I'm asking for your help. Start thinking about how do we save our employees. Let's build to last in a real way. You know, it's wonderful to know where our food comes from. It's wonderful to know how our fish are caught, like I said at the beginning. But let's really think about how we're treating the people who make our businesses run. I am at zero, zero. Sorry, I was nervous at the beginning, but I'm not anymore. So, so. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, everybody.